Two Hearts

1st Day of February

0745hrs

I can show you the world...

Shining, shimmering, splendid...

Tell me Princess,

Now when did you last let your heart decide... 

The alarm song as requested by Tata. I reached sleepily for my phone to turn it off. I found Tata staring up at me from her bed. I fell asleep next to her last night.

"Time to wake up," I smiled, stretching out to wake myself up.

I got up and drew the curtains to let the sunshine in.

She covered herself with a blanket.

0750hrs

"Tata," I called our her name, louder this time.

She buried herself deeper under her blanket. 

0758hrs

"Okay," I said louder again as I entered her room. "You need to get up now. C'mon! I'll piggy back you to the kitchen."

No response. 

I pulled her blanket off.

"I'm cold," she complained.

"Fine," I said sternly, waking out of the room. "You can just walk to the kitchen." 

She scrambled out of bed and followed me, crying already.

Oh gosh. Here we go. Happy Monday.

0805hrs

Crisis diverted. She is eating breakfast along with Hubby.

I made two sets of sandwiches for the first time. One strawberry jam and butter. The other omelet sandwhich.

0813hrs

Made myself toast.

Ugh. What happened to the time?!

0820hrs

I shoved another mouthful of strawberry jam and buttered toast in my mouth. 

"Goggles!" Toto exclaimed suddenly.

"Outside, red bag, table," I replied.

He ran out to fetch it and returned triumphantly, the orange and blue swimming goggles in his hand.

"Good Kuya," Hubby said sleepily. 

"Ouch!" Tata yelped again as I continued brushing out the knots in her hair. 

"Nearly done," I said. "I think we need to comb out all the knots before bed and plait your hair. This is taking too long."

I persevered and finally got her hair plaited and ready for school. 

School. 

First.

Day.

First day of school for my youngest.

Keep it together... Breathe in.... Breathe out.

I glanced at the ever cool Toto. He had the whole school thing down pat. He had already eaten breakfast (no prompting), packed his bag (with lots of prompting), brushed his teeth (no promoting again) and gotten dressed all by himself (no promoting - winning!). He sat there with his iPad, entertained by Geometry Dash. I ruffled his hair playfully and he smiled at me.

"Okay Tata! Brush teeth time," I clapped as I flew to the bathroom.

Tata followed shortly after, wearing a milk moustache. I smiled. My baby is going to school.

For goodness sakes, I told myself sternly. Don't cry now and choke on toothpaste.

We headed to her room and I helped her into her uniform. Size 4. So little. Even the culottes were a tad big on her.

Tata put her finger on her wriggling tooth, a new discovery from yesterday. 

"My tooth is going to come out Mummy!" Tata grinned up at me, her eyes shining excitedly. She sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. I shook my head and the hand went down to her side sheepishly.

"Not yet Tata," I told her as I tucked her shirt in. "It will be a long process."

"Huh?" She asked bewildered. "I need a tissue!"

She ran out to grab a tissue as I ran into our room. Hubby could not stay up to take the kids to school with me after a busy night shift. He was already asleep.

0843hrs

"Oh crap!" I murmured as I glanced at the time.

I stared at the mountain of clean laundry in baskets in front of me. I blindly grabbed clothes hastily and threw them on.

"Tata, grab your bag please," I called out. "Toto, shoes on please."

We were one scrambling mess tumbling out the door. 

0850hrs

"The bus might leave me Mummy," Toto fretted as we drove to school.

"It's okay," I reassured him and I crossed my fingers we would make it in time.

0853hrs

The two kids walked ahead of me.

Click! I took a photo of then holding hands and I could hear Toto imparting words of wisdom for Tata's first day of school. My heart swelled. I swallowed my tears.

0855hrs

Waiting at the crossing.

Click! Tata and Toto photo together looking at the camera. Smiling. Squinting a bit because of the sun.

Click! Tata in her school hat by herself.

0857hrs

We rushed up the stairs, Tata's hand clutched in mine and Toto lead the way.

"Where is the kindy class?" I inquired the teacher at the top of the stairs.

"Just over there," he pointed at a flock of parents on the other side of the room.

Toto bid me a quick goodbye and ran off to his class. I took Tata to hers. My heart was pounding. Not sure whether it was all the rushing or was I apprehensive parting with my little princess.

No time to think. We reached the group and we took Tata's bag to their bag cupboard. 

Click! I took a photo of her with her bag and the bag cupboard.

I took her to a table with an empty seat. She was seated next to her pre-school classmate. They waved shyly at each other.

Click! Click! Click!

I took Tata to introduce her to the teacher. She showed us to her "tub" with her name printed colourfully on it. There was a name tag inside. Tata grabbed the name tag and I grabbed the tub and placed it in the shelf. We placed her lunchbox, school hat and pink water bottle with butterflies on it inside.

We pinned her name tag on.

She sat back down. 

Click! I took a candid photo of her colouring in.

Click! I asked her to smile for the camera.

Click! I asked her to smile for the camera again. This time her smile was half hearted.

"Mummy," she whispered. "Stop taking pictures."

I laughed. And then I was sad. I was frantically trying to capture her image because I knew once I said goodbye, we would be parting. And she would be on her own. 

I crouched down next to her. I introduced her to the two new faces on her table. They all smiled at each other.

0918hrs 

"Parents," their teacher spoke over the buzz of mums and dads. "Last photos and then morning tea will be waiting for you downstairs."

This is it, I thought as I gave Tata a big hug. I kissed her cheek and tried not to imprint my lipstick on her. 

"Have fun bubba," I told her. "I will pick you up later okay?"

"Okay Mummy," she said, her eyes darting to a classmate that had started crying. Her eyes darted to another one who also started crying. I could see her assessing the situation in her head. Her eyes became moist and I held my breath. She grabbed another coloured pencil and started colouring in again. She remained stoic.

"Have courage and be kind," I told her once after we watched Cinderella.

Maybe this is Tata being brave. The tears did not fall. 

I got up. I lingered as parents began to dwindle out the door. I shifted my bag to my other shoulder. I slowly shuffled out. 

Down the same stairs we rushed up when we arrived.

I paused in front of the morning tea stand. A parent friend came up to greet me. We chatted. I don't even remember what about. I bid her farewell. 

I walked back to the car. Got in the car. Turned on the engine. Drove home.

0925hrs 

Arrived home. It was quiet.

Then I let myself have a little cry.

I read somewhere once that to have children is quite an important decision because you are forever deciding to have your heart walk around outside your body. 

Two of my hearts are now in school. Two hearts fluttering in life, becoming their own person. Part of the poem by E.E. Cummings sprung to mind.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows 

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud 

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows 

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) 

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

No matter how far their dreams and life take them, as their mother I will forever carry their hearts in mine. 

And that is that.